moxie

I had trouble falling asleep last night. I think it was because I was too stimulated going to bed and just needed some down time between my activities and going to sleep. It’s probably not realistic to think that I’ll fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow, though historically that holds pretty true for me.

I awoke naturally at 6:11 this morning, but thought that was “too early” to get up and get started on the day, so I slept in until my alarm went off at 7:30. This was a mistake, as I’m in a bit of a funk because of it. I also didn’t go straight to the gym this morning. I’m meeting my sister for coffee this afternoon and will go when I do that. Plus, today I’m doing cleans, which requires my full body to be awake and warmed up. For those who don’t know, cleans are a barbell exercise. You start with the barbell on the floor, squat down, pull it up to your shoulders in one move, then stand up. It is a full-body exercise, using some pretty heavy weights. I’ll be starting with 95 pounds and see how that feels.

I’m feeling tired and lazy this morning, but I’m not letting that stop me. I’m chugging and plugging away, reading emails, posting to Twitter, sharing on Facebook, and doing my daily writing practice here.

My interview with the placement firm went well yesterday. Josh and I seemed to hit it off, and he offered some suggestions on how to improve my resume and make it more SEO friendly. Interestingly, now that resumes are digital, their length isn’t such a big deal. This is a good thing, because mine is 2.5 pages long right now, and he wanted me to flush it out some more, add more skills and keywords, things that will show up in the scanning software they (and other firms) use. When he asked me about my time in Pueblo, I panicked a bit and said I was in school. This was part of what kept me up last night. How does one encapsulate what I’ve been through these past three years? What do I share, what do I keep private? After reflecting, I recognized that transparency is the best policy, and I will be calling him this morning to explain that I’ve been in the hospital. It’s a weird space to be in, knowing I have all these skills to offer a company, wanting to get back to “real” work again, and having this specter of mental disorder hanging over my head. I don’t usually have a problem sharing what’s happened, but I think I wanted to impress him and that’s why I didn’t mention it. I was also caught up in the moment, things were progressing nicely, and hey, I’d just met the guy too. Still, it doesn’t feel right that I wasn’t completely forthcoming about my situation, and telling him is the right thing to do, so I will make that call.

Deb and I are having tea and coffee this afternoon, and it will be good to get some brother/sister time in. We haven’t had that one on one time since she took me out to lunch maybe a month ago. It will be good to have some alone time with her, catch up, and just chat while we sip on our beverages.

Much of yesterday was spent in meetings and waiting for my client, so I played a lot of poker. Talk about some wild swings! At one point I was down almost two million on the day, before rallying back in the evening session. The downswings came from losing some big pots that I got rivered on – there had to be at least 10 times that I had the best hand, was ahead all the way, only to lose it when that river card came. I went on tilt a little bit in the middle of the day, losing pot after pot for some time, before getting away and taking a break. After regrouping and coming back fresh, I went on a massive win streak and had my best session yet, getting up 1.8 million before cashing out with over a million in chips. These sound like big swings, and they are to some extent, but that’s the nature of the game. It’s also why bankroll management is so critical – you have to have the bankroll behind you to be able to ride out the tough times, the unlucky times, and not be crippled going forward. Arguably, I’m playing at just the right level for my bankroll. I never dropped below 1.2 million in my account, but if I had hit my stop at one million left, I would have stepped down to a lower limit game to build it back up again. I was also multi-tabling and I did great on one table and the other one was a constant loser, so I closed the loser and focused on the winner. I’m really enjoying the challenge of playing at the 1000/2000 level. I buy in for 200,000 and work at building it up. The players are much better at this level, it’s harder to get reads on them, and there are a few regulars that I see night after night, and the table chat is starting to get more frequent – which makes the whole game more social and fun. I can hang with these guys. I’m good enough to play at this level. I’m learning every time I do. Sure, you still get some clowns – like “ezmony555” – who go all in almost every pot. He was my nemesis yesterday. I picked my spots, and always called him with the best hand, but over and over he kept hitting something to end up winning. After about six losers like that, I just stopped playing pots he was in because I didn’t want to put that much at risk any more. He was running hot, had no fear, didn’t place any value on his chips, and therefore was very difficult to play. I try to play as if I was playing with real money. I take the game seriously, work hard to improve, and expect that this practice will serve me well when I finally get to the real tables. I’ve seen thousands and thousands of hands, seen just about every possible outcome happen, and have no illusions about the game. It’s funny to me when people whine or moan about how “unfair” it is or how it “must be rigged” because they lost a hand. The simple fact is that any two cards are going to win some percentage of the time and that, even if it’s only a one percent chance, if you see enough hands you’ll see it happen eventually. It’s all about mindset, perspective, and keeping focused.

Speaking of focus, I’ve rambled on enough for now. Gotta get focused on kicking some butt today, so off I go. See you tomorrow! 🙂